Thursday, December 31, 2009

Jesse Cohen's X-Mas Eve Holiday Party

The Party: Jesse Cohen's Xmas Eve Party
Location: Sophie's Bar (in the East Village)
Total Party Count: 90

On X-Mas Eve Part Deux I attended the annual affair of Mr. Jesse Aaron "Yishai" Cohen, AKA my second favorite member of Tanlines, whose party at  Sophie's bar was chock-full of some of my top Jews and Asians! When I was "closing my tab" as people do, the bartender informed me that "that guy got your drink." Uh, I don't know that guy, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know that guy, he's not part of "the party", what's the proper protocol here?? Suddenly a little asian angel appeared on my left shoulder and said "Go Thank Him." Ah! Ok, duh, thank you asian angel! So I walked over to this dude  and expressed my faux-gratitude in a disingenuously-flirty small talk form for about 4 minutes, which seemed a sufficient exchange for my $8 drink, which comes to about $1.99 a minute. In other news, please let everyone know I changed my cell to 1-900-SHIRLEY. Call me, I'm waiting!



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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Heebonism X-Mas Eve Jew Party

The Party: Heeb Magazine's Heebonism Party
Location: Fontana's (in Chinatown)
Total Party Count: 89

X-mas eve is probably the hottest night for Jew parties, and for good reason. If you're a Jew-hunting-Jew, the first thing you do at a normal party is eliminate 90% of the people there and identify the less cute 10% you could potentially date without being stoned to death, and then after wasting a perfectly good night talking to one of these people who you weren't even really that into, you discover that it's just a "funny thing" that their last name is Goldenbergersteinbaum / they graduated from Brandeis. Well on X-mas eve, these worries are pushed aside and you can have your pick from literally thousands of losers at the "The Matzo Ball," a Jewish singles event so big that it takes place in 5 different locations, between which you can be transported via stretch-limo shuttles, just like a prom queen or a tacky person!

I opted for the Matzo Ball's arch-nemesis, Heeb Magazine's Heebonism Party, although I'm inclined to believe they are basically the same thing at this point. The main difference is Heebonism had a room upstairs for "Strip Dreidel," which I declined to partake in because if I wanted to get naked with a bunch of fat ugly Jews, I'd go try on some designer-discount clothes in the communal dressing room at Loehmann's.

Hard 2 B a Jew on X-Mas (and every other day)

Me with Special Birthday Boy Jesus  David Wolkin! Met him at a Heeb party in the summer and somehow became his only birthday friend. <3

 If you aint payin, I aint strippin! (Cuz I'm a biz-savvy Jew like dat!)
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Leg Up! Management's Holiday Party

The Party: Leg-Up Management Holiday Party
Location: Santo's Party House
Total Party Count: 88

Last week I went to the Leg Up Management Holiday Party, hosted by  Party #32's Brian DeRan, who is responsible for managing choice artists such as Animal Collective, Gang Gang Dance, and my new favorite "chillwave" artist Dam Funk! If you asked me a few months ago what I thought of Brian, I'd say he was a dick who didn't answer a bunch of my emails in 2007 (I was offering to feature Animal Collective on TV again if he gave me a million dollars and an exotic fruit basket-- His Loss!). But now, I'd say he's a totally amazing bro who has awesome parties!!!  Another thing I learned about Brian is that he goes by the name "Baby Leg" and apparently "gets lots of hot girls," naw' mean? In conclusion, what we've learned today is that Brian is not a dick but does have a huge one.

Wassup Giant Cock? I mean Baby Leg.





In lieu of doing another interview with Animal Collective (because Brian ignored my emails) , I shot this amazing piece of work with my grandma and her friends.
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I'm In Time Out NY!

I'M FAMOUS!!!! Thats right, check out my 2-page spread in the Time Out NY holiday double-issue, the one with the cover  graced by Liev Schreiber and Scarlett Johansson. This is actually not the first time Scarlett and I have been featured together-- we were both one of the "21 Coolest Girls in America Under 21 " in YM Magazine's November 2001 issue (and we have been unspoken rivals since then-- H8 U SCARLETT!).

I was curious what happened to the other 19 "YM cool girls" and discovered this hilarious hyper-PC-collegiate-blah-blah article from Harvard Crimson 2001 where  "cool girl" Madeleine E. '04, who rallied to increase Harvard cafeteria worker's wages (or something), bitched about how “It’s pretty mortifying to be associated with YM- this issue has a poster of Blink 182 inside of it" and that she was "disappointed with the results of the article. It was substanceless and felt like the issue really didn’t get explained well." Did she think this was being fact-checked by the New Yorker?? YM basically called me a famous singer when actually I was running a tiny record label-- think I gave a shit?? No, I didn't, I was just happy to be in the fake 99.999th percentile of teenage coolness.  Perhaps this humiliating accolade scarred her so bad that it inspired her current career, a fact-checker over at the New Yorker.
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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Kevin's Crown Heights Holiday Party

The Party: Kevin Pedersen's Holiday Party
Location: His apt in Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Total Party Count: 87

For the love of Jesus, I headed over to KevPed's Christmas party in Crown Heights after the Blvck America Party and tried not to hit any goyim with my rabbinical motorcade on the way. In that regard, the party was a huge success! Unfortunately I have spearheaded a new initiative whereby I wear high heels and I was a big crybaby about it despite the heels not even being that high and wearing Dr. Scholl's For Her Gel Insoles- Whats a girl gotta do to be a woman? Yknow, It's my birthday this week, the perfect excuse for someone out there to buy me some sessions with a Miss Teen America Pageant Coach! Anybody? Anybody?

OMGDZZZ its PEGGY FROM THE PAINS. also mark monnone (from the lucksmiths doy!) havent seen this bro in ages.

Pinky wishes for Peace this Christmas

Me & Kevin "Tell Me About It" Pedersen

All dat and a bag-o-chips!

Season's Greetings!

 Da Funky Bunch

Mind if I sit this one out?

OPTICAL ILLUSION! There are actually 4 people in this picture. See if you can spot em!

 Jump Jive n Wail!
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Blvck America Dance Party

The Party: Blvck America
Location: China Chalet (Chinese Restaurant in Financial District)
Total Party Count: 86

Recently the "Pump Up The Jamz DJ Crew" AKA Me & Peggy were invited to DJ a party night called "Blvck America." My favorite co-worker Kela (who is blvck) saw the flyer on my computer and was like, "WTF, you are DJing a black party?" I was like, no! But actually the answer is partially yes. The party was about the same ratio as the band "The Black Kids" -  2/5th black. See, you have to have at least some black people because otherwise its racist. Take the band "The Muslims" for instance-- they didn't have any Muslims therefore it was racist and they had to change their name to "The Soft Pack"- bleh! What they needed to do was kick out one member (maybe the 1/2 Jewish one) and replace him with a real Muslim..... Problem Solved!

Me & Pegs with the supercool Saheer Umar (who is Blvck AND Muslim!)

Should we play "Rhythm of the Night" or "Rhythm is a Dancer"? Focus, Focus!!

Whoop There it is!

 MTV Party-To-Go!

 I might have to steal these finger poses in the future

The firemen made sure we partied safely. Thanks Guys!
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The Party: Holiday Party
Location: Stephen Weiss Studio (West Village)
Total Party Count: 85

I've been slacking on my party blogging this week, and I'm blaming it on a demoralizing night over at the party. I was expecting to party with my friend Doug because he works for them, but actually he QUIT a week earlier,  so I didn't know a single person there, and what's worse,  I couldn't even get anyone to talk to me, not even some stupid wannabe-hipster who sat right next to me, to whom I gave amazing convo openers like "the graham crackers are good, right?" and "this is my favorite Whitney Houston song." Then I saw this retarded loser lady who you could tell didn't belong at the party and kept going back for unlimited refills of sashimi and then I was like, wait a minute, that woman is me.

Nobody in this picture wanted to talk to me.

Not even these guys.

My only friend. 
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Refinery 29's Holiday Party

The Party:'s Holiday Party
Location: Madewell Store (in Soho)
Total Party Count: 86

Recently a friend of mine suggested that I've undertaken Party-a-Day as an act of masochism, a subconscious effort to punish myself nightly for not being popular in high school or something like that. Perhaps there is some truth to it, because it's the only reason to explain why I would subject myself to yet another fashion party,'s Holiday Party. But it was just a few blocks from my apartment, and my friends were DJing, so I was like okkkkkk fiiiiiine.


I'm friends with Au Revoir Simone! No really. Noooo REally!!!! (no really, we get manicures and stuff)

A guy and Refinery 29's Kelley Hoffman, who is a fellow Smith College alum and WOZQ DJ. This is the first time I'm seeing her since 2004 despite repeated attempts to coincide on the party circuit!


Me 'n' Kels! A rare breed of Smith girls i.e. no detachable penises here!
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Ultra-Exclusive Invite to My Bday Party

I'm turning 27 this Saturday and guess what-- you're invited! The reason why I'm inviting any old loser is because I have no friends my birthday is the day after Christmas and I'll be thankful to anyone who shows up. It's at Blackout Bar in Greenpoint. Peggy and I are DJing Jock Jams & Alt 90's, natch!

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dunkin Donuts Dance Party

The Party: Dunkin Donuts Dance Party
Location: Dunkin Donuts (on 14th & A)
Total Party Count: 84

When Dunkin Donuts tells you its time to make the donuts, what they actually mean is its time to load them onto a truck and export them to the various locations in Manhattan. But there is one exception- the Dunkins on 14th st bet. A & B not only makes their own donuts, but also supplies the rest of the City (or at least that's what the cashier told me)! I happened upon this special hub of donuts last night to use their facilities and I purchased a small coffee for the sake of proper dunkin bathroom etiquette, but I was subsequently informed that the bathroom was under renovation! I couldn't return my coffee or even get munchkin credit, but the endeavor wasn't a complete failure because there were some wasted people who decided we should all have a dance party. 

After ordering a donut, a cream cheese bagel, and some hash brown things, this girl told me I was cool and started busting some moves to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love"

These other donut lovers joined in

Did you think I wasn't going to dance at dunkin donuts?

She was with this dude and then hit him with a shoe and then with her donut and then he wiped cream cheese on me. They wanted to move the party somewhere else but i was just there to use the bathroom.
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Kyle's Karaoke Korner Holiday Party

The Party: Kyle's Karaoke Korner-- Holiday Party Special!
Location: Otto's Shrunken Head (in the East Village)
Total Party Count: 83

My bud Kyle Forester hosts a semi-monthly live karaoke / variety show and it's really fun at least 75% of the time, and last night was a winner! Kyle & the rest of his karaoke band did seriously amazing renditions of Prefab Sprout, Cause Co-Motion, Mariah Carey, and The Crystals. Kyle's deal is that he plays in Ladybug Transistor and Crystal Stilts, but as it turns out he's actually a really talented musician! JKKK. Another plus about Kyle's party is that its at Otto Shrunken Head, which is a tiki bar that makes Pina Coladas using that legit “Island Oasis” drink machine or whatever it is that they use in hotels in Puerto Rico. Also Katie told me people were having S-E-X in the bathroom and that they broke the toilet, but Amy & I went to verify this and actually they only knocked the lid off the garbage can.

Phil & Abe do a Christmas Duet

Kyle= Santa ; Eric = Grinch

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Michael Goodstein's Hanukkah Party

The Party: Michael Goodstein's Hanukkah Party Show
Location: Secret Project Robot in Williamsburg
Total Party Count: 82

On Sunday night Michael Goodstein, who DJs my favorite WFMU radio show Choking on Cufflinks, threw a Hanukkah Party/Show in Williamsburg and he did not take the theme lightly. He kept running to 'n' fro frying up potato latkes, and I’m glad I generously offered my help because it gave us an opportunity to bond over our shared heritage of Jewish hash browns and obscure DIY pop. If I recall correctly, I first met Mike at the 2000 WFMU record fair and he seemed kind of like a weirdo (and so was I, natch), but that turn of the century ghost-world-era of social awkwardness & dressing like a circus act is a distant memory, and now we are both amazing. Mike even goes to synagogue in Greenpoint! What a mensch! Apparently the rabbi there is Maurice Applebaum, this kid man from my high school who came with me to see Belle & Sebastian in 1998, where Mike was also in attendance. What a world!

Goodstein's Latkes, Live from Secret Project Robot!

 Alex 'n' Carla's Hanukkah Crafts Time

German-Jewish Measles

 Just Noshin!
Me with Mike Goodstein & Owen Pallett of Final Fantasy who is wearing Mike's Barmitzvah Yarmulke while contemplating a new band name because they are finally cracking down on his copyright infringement.

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Bagelfest Brunch Party

The Party: Sarah's Bagelfest Brunch Party
Location: Sarah's Apt in Greenpoint
Total Party Count: 81

My pal Sarah Gentile has been holding a holiday "Bagelfest" brunch for the past 6 years, 5 of which I missed because I never wake up early enough. Ever since I was a depressed teen with an "online addiction" (in the 90’s that was the term for people who used the internet for more than 30 minutes) I've always stayed up too late at night thus failing at everything in the world that occurs before noon.

Luckily the invitation for bagelfest read "noon til later" so I hustled to make it by "later," and I arrived at Sarah's Greenpoint apartment at 3pm, just in time for the holiday grab bag! I won a bunch of old postcards, which is pretty good considering I didn't put anything in. The bad thing is I don't send postcards because you need stamps and a mailbox and everything! Also I don't want people seeing what I write on it (also can you please stop reading my blog?). However, I feel bad to let these postcards go to waste, so I've decided to write postcards to you (or your mom or whoever)! email me with an address and i'll send one with a special personal greeting (while supplies last). Don't be shy now!

These people have been here for 3 hours and even though they're not eating bagels now, they probably did at some point.

cinnamon raisin!

Jed fell asleep during the grab bag

Me with your future postcards. 

Peace out from BagelFest 2k9!
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