Heebonism X-Mas Eve Jew Party

The Party: Heeb Magazine's Heebonism Party
Location: Fontana's (in Chinatown)
Total Party Count: 89

X-mas eve is probably the hottest night for Jew parties, and for good reason. If you're a Jew-hunting-Jew, the first thing you do at a normal party is eliminate 90% of the people there and identify the less cute 10% you could potentially date without being stoned to death, and then after wasting a perfectly good night talking to one of these people who you weren't even really that into, you discover that it's just a "funny thing" that their last name is Goldenbergersteinbaum / they graduated from Brandeis. Well on X-mas eve, these worries are pushed aside and you can have your pick from literally thousands of losers at the "The Matzo Ball," a Jewish singles event so big that it takes place in 5 different locations, between which you can be transported via stretch-limo shuttles, just like a prom queen or a tacky person!

I opted for the Matzo Ball's arch-nemesis, Heeb Magazine's Heebonism Party, although I'm inclined to believe they are basically the same thing at this point. The main difference is Heebonism had a room upstairs for "Strip Dreidel," which I declined to partake in because if I wanted to get naked with a bunch of fat ugly Jews, I'd go try on some designer-discount clothes in the communal dressing room at Loehmann's.

Hard 2 B a Jew on X-Mas (and every other day)

 

Me with Special Birthday Boy Jesus  David Wolkin! Met him at a Heeb party in the summer and somehow became his only birthday friend. <3

 

 If you aint payin, I aint strippin! (Cuz I'm a biz-savvy Jew like dat!)